Even as we inch further away from the apex of the COVID-19 pandemic, the effects of isolation are ever present. While its toll on our physical health has been at the forefront of our minds, this pandemic’s most profound and lasting effects are on our mental health.
Before COVID-19 hit, loneliness was already a problem that had been exacerbated by technology and social media. The solution to all of this? More sex, at least according to Magdalene J. Taylor, author of “Many Such Cases,” who explained her thinking in a recent op-ed for The New York Times. If you’ve ever wondered what George Michael’s 1987 song “I Want Your Sex” (parts one and two, of course) would look like as an op-ed, this would be it, right down to the lyrics “Sex is natural, sex is good; not everybody does it, but everybody should.”
Taylor’s assessment of the loneliness epidemic is no doubt correct that the solution is social connection, but misguided in tendering sex as the solution. The argument is flimsy, maintaining that people are lonely because they struggle to find sexual partners, and the resolution to this issue, she concludes, is to… have more sex? Akin to “If you’re depressed, just be happy,” sex is the logically inconsistent solution to a moral panic over sexlessness that Taylor amplifies then backtracks.
What’s most telling about the piece, however, is the fact that sex is conflated with intimacy. While, yes, there can often be overlap between the two, they are certainly not synonymous: Sex can be either intimate or non-intimate, and intimacy itself can encompass a whole host of other ways of connection and is incredibly varied from individual to individual.
For one, sex is not an inherent good, but a neutral act with benefits and consequences. While the benefits of sex that Taylor points out, such as reducing stress and lowering blood pressure, are real, sex also comes with its own set of cons, such as STIs and, as various comments on the op-ed point out, unwanted pregnancies in a post-Roe America where even contraception is threatened. To argue as Taylor does — that “Sex is intrinsic to a society built on social connection” — is to fall into the naturalistic fallacy, to believe that what is natural is inherently good or right.
As we know, sex is not always a meaningful connection for some, whether it’s a one-time feeling or related to one’s sexual orientation. Sex can even be a defense against emotional intimacy: Erotic transference is a phenomenon that occurs especially in therapeutic spaces, describing how patients often feel amorous attraction to their provider in resistance to the weight of bearing intimate fears and anxieties.
By intertwining sex and intimacy and speaking to a sexual naturalistic fallacy, Taylor’s piece becomes an example of the compulsory sexuality rampant in contemporary culture. Born from the term “compulsory heterosexuality,” referring to the assumption that a heterosexual relationship is the default, compulsory sexuality refers to the assumption that every person experiences sexual attraction and desire, that anyone uninterested in sex is missing out on something that is, as Taylor puts it, “one of humanity’s most essential pleasures.”
This idea that desire for sex is what normal people feel — and that sex is a supreme form of pleasure — devalues acts of intimacy that aren’t sex (as well as relationships that aren’t sexual.) It not only excludes people who are uninterested in sex as a means of connection, but limits the types of intimacy we can find in relationships of all kinds. With friends and family, intimacy can mean devoting time to similar interests or meaningful conversation. Even with partners, intimacy need not be limited to sex when it can span from the physical to the non-physical, from cuddling to quality time. To restrict intimacy to sex alone means dwindling all the possible connections you can discover.
There are solutions aplenty to our loneliness epidemic. With a loss of connection to local institutions due to the pandemic and other larger factors at play, many have lost connection to others as well as a sense of purpose. By focusing on rebuilding these institutions to create thriving communities, lonely individuals can find themselves with a whole host of options for social connection in their everyday lives.
At the individual level, don’t limit yourself to the possibilities of who might play a meaningful role in your life. Have safe, consensual sex if you’d like, regardless of whether or not you’re looking for romance or social connection. Find socialization in any way suited to you, whether that’s in a romantic, sexual, platonic, familial, or any other sort of setting — but don’t rely on sex alone to solve your loneliness.
Audra Woehle is an Opinion Columnist who writes about gender and sexuality in popular culture. She can be reached at awoehle@umich.edu.