Being an exchange student from Seoul, South Korea should mean time to relax, have fun and immerse oneself in a foreign country’s culture. During the past semester in snowy Michigan, however, I don’t think I succeeded in bringing myself to do just that. I felt compelled to join myriad extracurricular activities, and as all sorts of meetings pulled me away from bed and peace, I constantly worried about how I’d somehow get an A+ for the four classes I’d enrolled in. Now that the school year is about to end and all my fellow college juniors seem to be off in the real world securing cool internships, I slightly fear the relaxing summer ahead that I have planned — is it okay to just sit back and do nothing for a while?
Come to think of it, I cannot remember a single moment where I felt content with my achievements. There was always just one more debate competition or one more internship to really turn things around. What I have right now isn’t good enough, and I still need to do better. I was constantly comparing myself with my peers: When one of them succeeded, it felt like I had failed. I still don’t think I’ve completely grown out of my 5-year-old self crying at the dining table of my family’s tiny Seoul apartment — a tear-stained math assignment in one hand and a cup of milk in the other.
“Tiger parenting” is often associated with strict, demanding and controlling behavior. Coined by Amy Chua, an American author and law professor, in her book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” the parenting technique prioritizes pushing children toward superior academic performance. In her book, Chua lists the various cutthroat measures she imposed on her Yale- and Harvard-educated daughters, including banning sleepovers, receiving any grade below an A or playing any instrument other than the piano or violin. Though it is not a common parenting style, even among Chinese-American families, tiger parenting ignited huge backlash from around the world, and almost always for good reason.
Research, inspired by the publication of Chua’s book, already indicates that tiger parenting does not automatically produce positive educational outcomes for children. Upon interviewing Chinese parents who employed either supportive, tiger or easygoing parenting styles, results indicated that tiger parenting was “not associated with better outcomes in either boys or girls.” In fact, results indicated that consistent, supportive parenting was associated with children better prepared for school, but not with easygoing or tiger parenting styles.
In addition to the best developmental outcomes being found among children of supportive parents, having overly strict or authoritarian parenting can have negative consequences for children’s mental health, including increased risk of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Research has found that the children of tiger parents have a higher risk for anxiety disorders, especially as demands for academic excellence become increasingly valued in competitive societies and job markets.
That said, it seems misleading to automatically conclude that tiger parenting is an absolute evil because it inhibits autonomy and creativity. While tiger parenting may emphasize obedience and academic achievement over having fun, it still seems to work wonders on some children, including Chua’s eldest daughter Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld, who wrote an open letter to the New York Post in response to the overwhelming controversy surrounding her mother’s book. The following is an excerpt from Chua-Rubenfeld’s letter:
“One of our assignments was to interview someone who had experienced war. I knew I could get a good grade interviewing my grandparents, whose childhood stories about World War II I’d heard a thousand times. I mentioned it to you, and you said, ‘Sophia, this is an opportunity to learn something new. You’re taking the easy way out.’ You were right, Tiger Mom. In the end, I interviewed a terrifying Israeli paratrooper whose story changed my outlook on life. I owe that experience to you.”
Indeed, tiger parenting does seem to encourage the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake — so long as it is directly related to the child’s academics. However, while tiger parenting might allow exploration and independent thinking in this sense, it still seems reasonable to question whether all that parental hostility is really worth it. It is still important to acknowledge the critical shortcomings of tiger parenting compared to parenting styles that provide more emotional support.
Supportive parenting should involve parents acting with love and care, listening to their child carefully, asking for their child’s opinion before making decisions, explaining and knowing the whereabouts and safety of their child. If children do not experience enough of these behaviors, it is clear that parent-child bonding will be limited and the child will feel more alienated from the parent. Children should feel comfortable sharing their opinions and emotions with their parents, who are often the singular source of unconditional love and support in their lives. Children should not be yelled at or insulted, let alone have their anxiety spike when they fail to perform perfectly in school.
As a 20 year old living in the heart of Seoul, I (sadly) find myself still being part of the rigorous education system in South Korea, the type that creates private education markets worth billions of dollars and torments just about every South Korean kid. As I pick up tutoring jobs that pay me significantly more money than a regular part-time job would, I always see desperate mothers dragging their purses and children into windowless classrooms that teach competitive English debate. Within minutes of starting the class, however, I notice that half of these 7 year olds can barely complete a full sentence in English, let alone pronounce their own names properly.
Most of the children I tutor cannot answer me when I ask why they are here and only nod silently when I ask if they are tired from all of the other hagwons (private academies) that they attended earlier today. These kids should be playing in the grass under the sun, probably under the watchful eye of a supportive parent. That is why my future child — in case you couldn’t tell — will not be raised by a tiger mom. My child, if I decide to have one, will probably not be invited to perform at Manhattan’s Carnegie Hall. But they will most certainly have the opportunity to appreciate the leaves turning from green to red and orange in the fall. The opportunity to drive to McDonald’s with some friends after school. The little things in life children should get to enjoy growing up.
From Seoul, South Korea, So Jin Jung is an Opinion Columnist with a passion for politics and journalism. She can be reached at sojinj@umich.edu.